Sins of the Flesch: The Vice of Extramusical Dalliance
Prologue
The best jobs I have ever had in my life have nothing to do with my music career. One might immediately wonder why in God’s name I’ve chosen to go into music—a career path less lucrative and more difficult than anything short of being Tiny Tim in a late 19th century textile factory running underneath the hydraulic fabric press to pick off bits of lint before it slams down on his head—when I think other jobs I’ve had are better.
Perhaps it will help if I explain my definition of “best”.
I love music, and I have enjoyed my time. However, the job itself does not provide me with the standard of absurdity that is required to continue showing up day in and day out if all I care about is the paycheck. You see, there is a tremendous irony in the music business: generally speaking, musicians are fantastically unentertaining in the workplace. Most of them just bitch, and your life inevitably becomes a choose-your-own-adventure of your career paradigm. In fact, I’ll write the entire book for you right now.
The Musician’s Career, by Ben
1. You wake up in the morning when the alarm clock goes off. You choose to:
A) Sigh, look at your dog’s happy little snout of unconditional love, grab your instrument case and go to work. (Go to 2)
B) Ruminate on both your cereal and the petty professional slights of small, sad people, grab your instrument case and go to work. (Go to 3)
2. You do your job, listen to people complain about professional trivialities you cannot believe a rational human being would—or even could—possibly make such a goddamn big deal over, and go home. You choose to:
A) Continue to focus on the positives in your life, remember the things you love about music, choose the people you surround yourself with wisely, and invest a little extra in good quality coffee. (Go to 1)
B) Do anything except A (Go to 3)
3. You slowly rot from the inside out until you die because the living cancer you have become is consumed by the healthy flesh of chipper young musicians flooding out of grad schools across the country. THE END.
You see the problem. The psychology of musicians in the workplace—not necessarily outside, mind you— is like those Valentine’s Day horsey pill candy hearts: an infinitely varying kaleidoscope of extremely predictable bullshit. Some days we play pretty notes, some days play ugly notes, and there’s always something to complain about. But it’s incredibly rare for someone to, say, stand up out of the blue, pull off their shirt, smack a flautist right in the face with a music stand, and dance around the room like Sammy Davis Jr. giving their desperately laughing colleagues high fives.
Hence the distinction. While musicians do things all the time for the audience’s entertainment, they rarely do things for...my...entertainment.
Therefore, when I say the “best” jobs I’ve ever had I really mean “the jobs with the greatest disparity between how much I should want to show up and how much I actually want to show up.” For instance, if I was in the first violin section of the New York Philharmonic making six figures a year but I didn’t enjoy playing, I would probably eventually quit. However, I will spring out of bed every morning like a newborn baby riding a rainbow bridge to Candyland when the coal mine I work in is populated by a shaft cart full of the most deluded, unnecessarily homicidal, bigoted Spam tins of hilarity found anywhere in the universe.
I have been blessed on several occasions with jobs of this nature, and as a result, if I died tomorrow I would consider myself to have lived a rich, fulfilling life packed with guilty pleasures and sordid memories. These experiences will be the focus of this series.
Other Pieces in the Series
iterature, Humor: Sins of the Flesch: The Vice of Extramusical Dalliance—Prologue
Literature, Humor: Sins of the Flesch: The Vice of Extramusical Dalliance—The Security Guard Years pt 1: Rick
Literature, Humor: Sins of the Flesch: The Vice of Extramusical Dalliance—The Security Guard Years pt 2: Owen
Literature, Humor: Sins of the Flesch: The Vice of Extramusical Dalliance—The Security Guard Years pt. 3: Owen Eats Habaneros for Breakfast
Literature, Humor: Sins of the Flesch: The Vice of Extramusical Dalliance—The Security Guard Years pt. 4: Rick Explains how to Kill People