The only people on the planet who love a good conspiracy theory more than Americans are possibly the Russians. Both countries have something in common that has made them the premier oyster beds for the lovely little pearls of nonsense that are constantly being formed. During the Cold War, both governments were doing all kinds of things under the table like dispersing radioactive elements into the water supply to see what happened to pregnant women, and taking turns filling Cuba with soldiers and nuclear weapons like vengeful angels tipping out their vials into one of the bowls of wrath described in Revelations. As a citizen, these sorts of things can mess with your head as you lay it on what you assume is a new kind of hypoallergenic pillow at night.
These are not conspiracies in the proper sense, however. A sadistic government science experiment releasing radioactive Xenon into the air is a crime against humanity and abuse of its citizens’ trust, not a conspiracy per se. They’re just being assholes. However when the lemon-flavored fluoride Sno Cones secret government agents posing as school nurses are handing out to your kids at recess to supposedly improve dental health are actually laced with progressively increasing levels of dog piss to see how much PepsiCo can put in a can of Mountain Dew before people start to notice, thereby allowing Pepsi to funnel the billions of dollars it saves into dominating the cola market in Argentina so the CIA can use their factories as a staging ground for a government coup to install a puppet dictator who will kick the British out of the Falklands, thus allowing our secret North Korean allies to mine the hidden uranium deposits therein and weaponize it with our assistance in order to check the Chinese nuclear program...
...that’s a conspiracy.
The only problem is that governments aren’t really that complicated. They might get a level or two down that track, but there are simply easier ways of doing business. As an example, just sell North Korea refined uranium labelled as hair oil for Jim Jong Un and cook the books. If the government can hide a $300 million dollar budget for an SR-71 in 1968—that being $2,052,862,068 (and 90 cents) according to my calculations in today’s money—what makes you think they can’t do the same thing with all kinds of shit? Even a senator as bitter and hateful towards the feds at Ted Cruz wouldn’t spill the beans if he found out, because it’s a matter of national security, and also it’s not tied to Donald Trump so it can’t help resurrect his campaign anyway.
I think that’s what I love about Second Amendment conspiracy theory fanatics that think the second the government takes away their semi-auto vintage AK-47 that the “jackbooted CIA thugs”, as described by Wayne LaPierre, the head of the NRA, are going to take over everything and turn America into a fascist state. Now just think about that for a second. The going theory amongst these people...is that the only thing standing between freedom and the armed forces of the United States of America subjugating the people through military force...is a few rednecks with shotguns in West Virginia.
I suppose I can’t say I’m entirely surprised that this particular line of thought exists, but should that very scenario take place, I have a feeling it’s going to play out a little differently than anticipated. Maybe something like this:
Ralph: Hey Trevor, you see ‘em yet?
Trevor: Nope, but they’re out there.
Ralph: Trevor, do you hear that?
Trevor: Hear what? Hey, gimmie a beer.
Ralph: I thought it was a jet, but I guess it’s just a bunch of harps. Also, where did you get those feathery wings?
Trevor: I don’t know. They flap pretty good thought.
Ralph: Yeah, but you look like a fucking fag.
Trevor: I’m not the one wearing a white dress and sandals. And don’t call me a fag, fag.
Peter: Stop with the fucking fag shit you goddamn assholes, or I’m not letting you in. This is 2016. Matthew and Jesus have just as much right to be in love as anyone else.
Ralph: Shut up, fag. I’ve got no problem with black people.
What’s amazing though, is that conspiracy theorists never actually look at something that could be a conspiracy. They think the moon landing and the Holocaust were faked, which are two of the least fakeable events in the history of mankind. They think our own government blew up the World Trade Center when they could have been devoting that energy towards something that is actually possible, like, gee I don’t know, the government tapping into our phone records without a warrant? That’s something that’s actually worth concealing and could have major tangible advantage for our government, rather than blowing up a few thousand people and dropping the Twin Towers, but making it look like a terrorist attack so we could get a bunch of oil...from “not Saudi Arabia...”
You see, in many ways the pearl analogy is perfect. The curiosities first take form when the innards of the poor little creatures who never leave their apartment are irritated by a single grain of sand. Rather than spit it out, the oyster instead builds up layers of calcite and nacre around it in an effort to turn it into into something that makes their pained life worth living again. If left to its own devices long enough it will eventually develop a lustrous, infinitely layered pearl so large the oyster is positively gagging on it.
Look, almost everyone’s got something; Bush Jr. wanted to destroy America, Obama isn’t an America at all—shit like that. The same is true of oysters. Most mollusks contain either nothing or a tiny, relatively worthless oddity that is only noticed by the careful observer. A distinguishing quirk, if you will. Finding a full-blown gem is extremely rare, and it requires a dedicated fellow indeed to ruminate on a bit of flotsam long enough to build up a real whopper. However, as much as they might have you believe it’s solid all the way through, a single drop of factual vinegar will dissolve it all away, leaving nothing but the pointless piece of grit that started the whole thing off in the first place. Look what happened to Nazi scholar and Holocaust denier David Irving when confronted with an objective scholar of greater rank:
MR IRVING: Would you agree, as General Bruns describes, the
ditch was 24 yards long and 3 metres wide, and if it was 2
metres deep, that would be 144 cubic metres?
A. [Professor Richard John Evans] 25 metres long and 3 metres wide? No, I do not, no. They could have dug it any depth they wanted to.
Q. [Mr Irving] We will ignore that remark for the moment and continue with this calculation, please. Will you agree that if the pit is 25 by 3 by 2 metres deep, for an example, it would be 150 cubic metres?
A. [Professor Richard John Evans] I am not going to challenge your mathematics, Mr Irving, but it really is not a very relevant question. I do not know how deep these pits.
MR JUSTICE GRAY: Let him continue. I see which way he is going. That is on the assumption it is 2 metres deep, the arithmetic is right.
MR IRVING: Yes. Would you agree that the bodies were not left exposed, that there was a certain amount of back fill done afterwards?
A. [Professor Richard John Evans] Yes, if you wish.
Q. [Mr Irving] So, in other words, 2 metres of this hypothetical pit would not be used.But let us assume that it was used and let us assume that the walls went straight down, they did not slope inwards, as you can see in the photograph which is before you, so there we would have 150 cubic metres, and you can get about 10 bodies to a cubic metre if you do a calculation with which I will not bother you. So how
many bodies would be in that pit, just on that rough order of magnitude?
A. [Professor Richard John Evans] You say this all in your footnote, "It would have held 1 or 2,000 victims each", that is what you say, but it is entirely hypothetical. There is a number of "ifs" in that question ----
Q. [Mr Irving] Just one "if"?
A. [Professor Richard John Evans] --- if that is the question you were asking. It is entirely hypothetical. We do not know how deep this pit was.
Q. [Mr Irving] So if it was 2 metres deep and if it had straight sides and if there was no back fill ----
A. [Professor Richard John Evans] That is three "ifs", Mr Irving.
Q. [Mr Irving] --- would you stop interrupting -- you would get 1,500 bodies into that pit, is that right?
A. [Professor Richard John Evans] Yes.
Q. [Mr Irving] So if it was another metre deep, you would get another 750 in, so you can do an order of magnitude calculation, can
you?
A. [Professor Richard John Evans] On the basis of those four "ifs", yes, you can do any calculation you like.
Q. [Mr Irving] So you can do a ball park calculation of two or three pits
of that kind of size and magnitude would hold of the order of, say, three to 7,000 bodies?
A. [Professor Richard John Evans] Yes, on the basis of those four hypotheticals, yes.
Q. [Mr Irving] Did you bother to do such a check sum before you criticised me?
A. [Professor Richard John Evans] I did not know how deep the pits were, Mr Irving. My criticism is that there is no evidence of the depth of the pits. You do not provide any. You simply make all these if, if, if assumptions and then somehow treat them as facts.
Q. [Mr Irving] Do you accept that when you are writing history and you
cannot get all these documents on hand, occasionally you
have to make common sense calculations and deductions?
A. [Professor Richard John Evans] This is not common sense, Mr Irving. This is a systematic attempt to undermine the figure given of 27,800 Jews, suggesting that this is too large. This is typical of your minimisation of the statistics of the numbers of Jews
killed in any number of instances.
MR JUSTICE GRAY: Right. On to the next point, Mr Irving. I think we have exhausted that.
MR IRVING: My Lord, I just say, you do accept that I had a document which stated the figure of 5,000, and that it is within the order of magnitude that the pits would allow?
A. [Professor Richard John Evans] No.
That’s one of about forty examples of Mr. David Irving being absolutely eviscerated in similar fashion. The truth is your average conspiracy theorist has a few other thing in common with an oyster—while highly adapted for everyday life in its natural environment, it still has a mental capacity somewhere between that of a particularly limited slug and a tube worm and a lot of spare time.