Part 1: The Problem
If you are male and grow facial hair, you have two basic options:
1. Cut it off somehow, in part or in whole.
2. Let it grow and be a lumberjack.
For the purposes of our fair article, we shall concern ourselves with the former. Human males over the age of thirteen generally have to deal with facial hair removal in some way, shape, or form. Most men have resigned themselves to shaving as quickly as possible in the morning, getting an obligatory and drudgerous chore out of the way.
In God’s name, WHY!?
It doesn’t have to be this way. Shaving can--and, I think, should--be a comfortable experience. A few minutes of zen where we can focus and accomplish a task with precision, comfort, and quality. A great way to start the day is by doing something well, and shaving is one of the first things most beardless men do in the morning. Marines serve a similar purpose by making the perfect bed, but they don’t get to do that with a knife. At least, I don’t think so...
Your significant other shouldn’t be shocked to rub your face and find it, as wet shavers say, ‘baby’s butt smooth’. It should be this way after every shave, and for most men it is possible. Overly-sensitive skin or a beard like barbed wire may limit the ultimate possibility, but in the end there is no perfect shave, simply an ever-refining curve of progress approaching but never touching an asymptote.
Unfortunately for many, our contemporary firmament of shaving products has come to be made up of plastic, multi-blade razors and canned shaving lubricant, or worse, electric razors. The problem I have with the former is that the cartridge blades are tough on the skin, not being as sharp as they should be, and the canned shaving creams tend to be less-than-superlative products. They’re also designed to be used by thoughtless idiots. Not being a thoughtless idiot, you may wish to make a different choice -- and there are a myriad of available options!
My complaint with electric razors is mostly that I don’t particularly feel the urge to spend fifteen torturous minutes every single morning using a blunt-toothed vibrator to chew/yank stubble off my face in the morning.
*COUGH* *Ahem* What were we talking about?
SHAVING! Yeah, uh, shaving.
Let’s take a moment to consider the elements of shaving. They may be obvious, but in close examination of the simple, the elemental, we transcend its innate banality and move closer to God. For this, the next phase of our discussion, I propose we turn things over to an acknowledged master of both nuanced analysis and sharp things. Though you will note a tendency to lecture, his authority is unimpeachable. And a caution: wise he may be, but also dangerous. Converse if you dare, but always through the bars...
The Three Elements of Shaving
For such dullards among us who do not know me, my name is Dr. Hannibal Lecter. I’ve been asked by the rather gruesome author of this childish tome to enlighten you poor, bumbling folk on the finer points of personal grooming pertaining to the beard and mustache. Frankly, you bore me, though I am rather bereft of entertainment and so must make my own as a consequence of my incarceration. What was that? My petty torments don’t interest you, you say? My cruelties are something Miggs might say? Well, not anymore...
Okie Dokie! Here we go.
First principles. Simplicity. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing ask: what is it in itself? What is its nature?
The blade: It removes hair? No. That is incidental. What is the first thing it does? What need does it serve by removing hair?
It cuts. That is its nature. And how do we begin to cut? Do we seek out things that cut? No. Precisely. We cut the ugliness we see everyday in our bathroom mirror.
Thus, the primary element to consider is the inmate, pardon me, innate keenness of its edge. A sharp blade cuts easily, cleanly. Well handled, it is a work of art, and a pleasure unmatched in life. My own choice, when I had the luxury of choice, could only have been a classic straight razor. My primary blade was a vintage 1905 Sheffield from the hallowed English firm of Wade & Butcher, beautifully restored to mint condition. Naturally, I do my own sharpening.
A dull blade is a chore to wield, prone to slippage and injury as the cheap steel scrabbles at your stubble like a freshman pulling at a panty girdle. The results are years of all those tedious, sticky fumblings in the bathrooms of trailers while you can only dream of getting out, getting anywhere, getting all the way to the bar-ber shop. Dissect yourself with this blunt little tool if you must. I, myself, cannot...
The lubricant: And you think, if you make one change to your shaving routine, your wife won’t ever wake up to that awful screaming?
The blissful intersection of the perfections of slickness and protection is fundamental to any quality shaving lubricant. The cream or soap chosen must be one that’s rather slippery, allowing the edge to slide safely over the skin whilst simultaneously providing good cushion to protect one from minor errors of technique... though sins such as these I quite naturally do not commit.
While all you trainees have the choice to use industrial goo and aerosolic chemical confections from Anthrax Island, those with high-powered perception rely upon superlative soaps and creams. Hydrated by only the finest French mineral water, the quality is not unlike a nice Chianti: excellent body and finish. And to be enjoyed alone, uninterrupted...
Post-shave Skin care: Cuts? Irritation? Razor burn? Your problem is you need to get more fun out of life.
At the risk of diluting the thrust of my argument through repetition of my own personal excellence, my needs in this department are quite superfluous. My equipment, product, and technique are flawless. And though not required, I do not deny myself the finer things. Thus elegant aftershaves and lotions are a sensual experience upon which I do not pass. You could try... You could even use Evyan skin cream, and sometimes wear L'Air du Temps... but not today.
For you cheap, hustling rubes, pure West Virginia, your post-shave care must close the pores, cleanse any residual shaving products from the flesh, and soothe any irritation or razor burn resulting from your ham-fisted technique. Only water? It won't do...
Hmm. I fear I must bring my lecture to an end. Someone approaches. Dr. Chilton, I presume? I think you know each other...
You fly away now little starling. Fly, fly fly...
* * *
Well, that was informative, if somewhat unsettling... Our guest lecturer has retired for the evening to avoid mixing with odious company, and it looks like you’re stuck with me for the remainder of our little talk. We’ll cover each of these three topics, as well as some basic techniques (details necessary, as modern shaving equipment is designed to obviate the necessity of technique) in future posts.
Now, to be clear while wrapping up:
...in the world of shaving options, I don’t have a dog in your fight. I know what I like, sure, but make your decisions based on your preferences regarding the realities detailed above. Whatever works best for you is the correct choice -- or as it is said in the world of wetshaving, 'Your Mileage May Vary', or 'ymmv' -- in various forums.
Habit and marketing pre-determine the shaving choices of wide swaths of the population. But there are other options available, options I would argue are objectively superior ones. If you find your shaves rough, uncomfortable, or even painful, I encourage you to consider what you want out of a shave, and explore the available options -- very few of which are presented at your local Wal Mart.
In closing, I’ll simply point out that your morning shave could be a wonderful little jewel of perfection to start your day, rather than the hateful chore it is for most of us. If nothing else, I GUARANTEE that you can get just as good a shave, and probably a better one, by using the shaving equipment and products of an earlier age. And it will probably be far less expensive than relying on modern industrial tools.
But in the end? If you like electric monstrosities, canned goo-gel shaving lubricant, tweezing, depilatory solutions, or forty-bladed redundancies; by all means, proceed. Do whatever makes you happy in that little the overlapping zone of a three-circle Venn diagram comprised of ‘comfort’, ‘results’, and ‘convenience’.
Shaving Perfection Part 1: The Problem
Shaving Perfection Part 2: Sharp Things